Kaiba and the Incredible Brain Switching Machine
by lifeisacaberet
Summary: All Joey wanted was a snack; he should have know that Seto Kaiba was going to complicate things. When a mysterious invention malfunctions the two must cooperate, but working together might be their biggest challenge.
1. Chapter 1

Seto Kaiba and the Incredible Brain Switching Machine

**Warnings**: Silliness, shounen-ai (a little Seto/Joey and a lot of one-sided Joey/Cheetos), cursing, awkward situations, and lack of a legit plot

**Spoilers**: Takes place, uh…sometime. After Battle City at least

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I am devising a plot to kidnap Mokuba and have Seto buy me the legal rights in exchange for his brother's life. Hopefully that Yami character won't interfere and send my ass to the shadow realm. I also don't own any brand names mentioned.

* * *

Saturday afternoon, Joey realized that he was out of Cheetos.

He stood in the apartment kitchenette clad only in green boxers and an old baseball jersey staring into the empty bag. The cheesy junk food was his traditional weekend afternoon breakfast and now his laboriously planned agenda had been thrown off because someone who probably had brunet hair sticking up in a point and a perverted crush on Joey's innocent baby sister had emptied the bag into his no-good punk-ass mouth the night before. Joey stood there and reconfigured his schedule, (making sure to pencil a swift butt-kicking for Tristan on Monday morning.) Getting dressed and going to the convenience store would severely cut into his playing Xbox and watching the Avatar marathon time. But something deep inside of him told Joey that he needed sustenance. The absolute authority of Joey's stomach told him to go buy some Goddamn Cheetos.

It took twenty minutes on the bus for Joey to arrive near the closest store that sold the real deal and not those pathetic Cheetos knockoffs. Joey knew there was no substitute for his favorite breakfast food. As he walked down the sidewalk he flashed a smile at the Turtle Game Shop on the other side of the street. Yugi had told him that he and his Grandpa were going out for the day to look at some new exhibitions at the museums around Domino. Bleh, thought Joey, he'd rather die then get dragged around to look at some dusty old pots, but he suspected it was mostly for Yami's benefit. He was into that history stuff. Suddenly Joey noticed a figure in front of the shop, it was somewhat obscured by some trees. The figure moved slightly and Joey saw that it was wearing a sleeveless white trench coat.

Wait. He knew only one person who had an inflated enough ego to wear a tacky sleeveless white trench coat. Joey ran across the street, completely ignorant of traffic conditions. But much like in dueling, in life Joey relied on luck and he reached the other side unharmed. Still jaywalking was not to be encouraged.

"Heyya, Kaiba!" Joey shouted, the looming CEO spun around to face him. Joey was immediately startled by something: Kaiba looked confused. As far as Joey was concerned the guy only had three expressions; snarky, evil, or blank. Sometimes he smiled when his little brother was around, but it was so rare that Joey didn't count it. Kaiba was definitely never confused, he was the most confident and arrogant bastard the blond duelist knew.

"Oh, hey, Joey. Do you know if Yugi's home?" he asked, almost sounding shy. Joey's eyes were as big as saucers; there were so many things wrong with Kaiba's last statement he didn't know where to begin. His brain upon refusing to comprehend the irregularities, forced the blond to answer the inquiry.

"No, he's out for da day, shop's closed," he said mechanically.

Kaiba put his hands on his hips and looked down, "Oh, I see. I guess he won't be back any time soon," Kaiba lifted his head to study Joey who was doing an excellent impression of a deer in truck headlights, "I came to get Yugi, but I guess since you're here and I'm in a hurry it would be okay if you came instead."

The only conclusion Joey's racing mind could reach was that Kaiba was putting on an act. It was probably a strange attempt to trick Joey and Yugi into playing in a new Duel Monsters tournament. With that decided Joey snapped out of his state of shock and furrowed his brows at Kaiba, "What are ya playin' at, Moneybags? I ain't goin' anywhere wit you, ya bastard."

Kaiba looked a bit more confused, "Are you always this mean to Seto?"

"What, you talkin' in third person now? Using the royal, 'we' and whatnot? Who died and made you the Queen of England?"

"I guess that answers my question. I'm not Seto, Joey. It's me, Mokuba."

"Don't play games wit me, pal."

"No really!" Kaiba pleaded, "Seto's at home and I came here to get Yugi, but he's not here so I was wondering if you would come instead. You see we kind of, um, switched bodies."

Joey just stared. Then he stared some more, "Th-this," he finally spoke shakily, "this has to be some k-kinda prank."

Kaiba scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "Gee, Joey, I really don't know what I can say to convince you I'm me, I mean Mokuba."

"I dunno, you are actin' out a' character," Joey said cautiously, still a bit doubtful about the whole situation, "maybe you could try to call me a dog or insult my duelin' ability or somethin'."

The alleged Kaiba frowned, "Why would I do that? I think you're a good duelist."

"Mokuba! How did this happen, it wasn't some freaky shadow magic, was it?" Joey exclaimed, instantly convinced. Kaiba would don a pink tutu and escort Pegasus to The Nutcracker before complimenting Joey's card skills, even if he was play acting.

Kaiba, or more accurately Mokuba, smiled in relief, "Finally! No, it's got nothing to do with magic. You see my brother was…you know maybe we should talk about this in the limo, it's parked just down the block around the corner."

* * *

As soon as the door shut behind Joey, Mokuba began frantically explaining the situation to him, "You know, Seto likes to take out stress sometimes by fiddling with prototypes in his study. And he's been working on this big machine lately, I caught a glimpse of it yesterday when he went in there, I'm not allowed in Seto's study," Mokuba hunched his shoulders forward and darted his eyes, looking incredibly guilty, "but he was in there all night so this morning I hacked into the locking mechanism and snuck in. And I hid once I got in and I saw my big brother looking kind of deranged and pushing all these buttons and levers and then there was this electrical charge from the equipment and I was only trying to help, but I ran over to warn Seto then I felt like really weird. Like when I got the wind knocked out of me, that's what it felt like. Next thing I know, I'm in Seto's body! He was so pissed at me and he got even angrier when he saw the machine was broken. So I ran out and said I'd get Yugi because I figured that maybe since he knows about magic stuff he could help us, but you know Seto doesn't believe in that stuff."

That was a lot to take in. Joey's mind was filled to the brim with the overloaded exposition. Perhaps there could have been a simpler and subtler way to convey all that necessary information, but Mokuba was after all only in Junior High and had little sophistication in giving exposition.

Joey decided to start at the beginning, a very good place to start, "But…I don't know how I can help."

"Well, you've helped out me and my brother before. I know I can trust you! Besides Seto might need someone to help him with the machine since it malfunctioned and all. He's probably going to be super pissed at me for a while, so yeah. You can help him instead!"

"Whaaa?" Joey said intelligently. Even when Kaiba needed his help, he certainly never asked for it and often resented Joey instead of being grateful. At that moment however, Joey realized something; if Mokuba was in Kaiba's body then Kaiba had to be in the squirt's body. The blond teen had to fight a snicker, no offense to the kid, but Mokuba was pretty scrawny and uh, vertically challenged compared to his brother.

Mokuba continued to look guilty and while trying to hide it, he was also visibly upset. Joey felt for him, "So Mokuba, what's it like bein' ya bro?"

He perked up a little, "I dunno, it's nice I guess. I can reach really high things now without asking anyone. I have stubble, too! Look!" He bent forward excitedly and pointed at his face. Joey leaned in and laughed as he examined the, albeit faint, five o'clock shadow forming on his jaw.

"Haha, there you go, guess ya brother forgot to shave…" suddenly Joey felt a little awkward being so close to Kaiba's--or, well, Mokuba's face and pulled back with a slight blush.

Mokuba didn't appear to notice his reaction, "This coat is a little uncomfortable though, and I had to take off the arm belts on the way to the shop," he gestured to a small pile on the corner seat, "I can't figure out how to get the metal cuffs off. They're kinda heavy and I think they're digging into my skin a little. Plus the shirt is a lot tighter than I'm used to. Otherwise it's not so bad. But all in all, I'd rather be me. You _are_ going to help us, aren't you, Joey?"

"Well, I…" Mokuba was know for giving killer puppy eyes, but Mokuba giving Joey puppy eyes in Seto Kaiba's body was more bizarre than adorable. It was by far the most unsettling thing Joey had seen Kaiba's face do. And that guy had given some pretty nasty glares and smirks in his time. Had it been Mokuba's face, Joey would have caved in with an "awww, sure thing, kid," but with Kaiba's face, Joey just wanted to appease Mokuba so he would stop doing it and freaking him the hell out, "Yeah, totally, ya got it. Now stop lookin' at me like that! Give me the willies…"

Mokuba beamed and told Joey they'd be at the mansion soon. Joey hadn't even noticed that the vehicle was moving. He tried to keep up a casual conversation with Mokuba, but his thoughts kept drifting from wondering what the Kaiba mansion looked like to how the metal cuffs came on and off to why Kaiba would make a machine to swap people's bodies. Maybe he had finally snapped, all the work had to be bad for a person's health. Stress can do that. Make people go crazy and invent contraptions that change out people's brains. 'Sure,' Joey thought, 'that makes perfect sense.'

* * *

Joey gazed up at the neoclassical façade of the Kaiba mansion. Not that he knew what a façade was or had any insight into neoclassical architecture, but nevertheless he was gawking at the really expensive looking house. Mokuba snapped him out of his reverie and told Joey to follow him inside. Fortunately, Joey remembered his manners and gawked at the interior of the house as well. Polished marble halls, antique furniture, big and pricey looking paintings of classy things like majestic mountains and running stallions. Joey kept stopping to gape at things so eventually Mokuba had to drag him along by his shirt sleeve to get him to the study before dinnertime.

They reached a heavy looking cherry oak door. Mokuba let go of Joey's sleeve and timidly gave a knock. There was no answer so he pushed the door and it opened. He gestured for Joey to follow after him and they cautiously stepped into the dragon's lair. It was probably a large room; most of it wasn't lit save a small area against the far wall. There was a huge silver machine that resembled something from an old horror movie. It had various levers, Tesla coils, antennae, and a computer screen. The contraption was making troublesome clicking and whirring noises and occasionally a spark would shoot out from the coils.

Suddenly a suspiciously Mokuba-shaped form stepped out from behind the machine. Mokuba's body stormed forward and stopped several feet in front of Joey and the real Mokuba, in mind anyway. Mokuba's body crossed his arms and glared at the pair in an attempt to look menacing, but only succeeded in Joey wanting to coo and pinch his cheeks.

"What is _he_ doing here?" he spat. Joey lost his fuzzy, maternal feelings and glared back.

The Mokuba beside Joey shifted nervously, "I'm sorry, Seto, I thought Joey could help you and get us back to normal. And did I mention I'm sorry?"

Kaiba, in Mokuba's body, gave Joey another glare before focusing on his brother, "This isn't your fault, Mokuba. But I doubt Wheeler would be able to do anything beyond screw things up worse than they already are."

"Hey you little punk!" Kaiba noticeably bristled at his size being brought up, "I came here to lend a hand and dis is the thanks I get?"

Kaiba huffed and looked off to the side with a smirk, "I don't need your help. Unless you want to help me by getting out of my sight. You can leave too, Mokuba, I need some space to concentrate on fixing this problem," he headed back towards the machine, but delivered a pardoning shot, "Make sure the mutt doesn't steal anything on his way out."

Joey raised his fist in a threatening gesture, "You bastard! If ya wasn't in Mokuba's body I'd knock ya lights out!"

"Come on, Joey. I think Seto wants to be left alone for a little bit," he whispered into Joey's ear, "we can come back in a while when he's cooled down."

Mokuba's proximity in Kaiba's body made Joey feel a tad tense, but he quickly shook off the sensation and marched out of the study. Out in the hall Mokuba felt the need to apologize for his brother's behavior. Joey told him it wasn't necessary, he was used to it. Mokuba still wanted Joey to stick around just in case Kaiba really did need some assistance. Joey wasn't about to protest as he may have been completely irritated by the businessman, but he loved his digs. His stomach growled and reminded Joey of his earlier quest. Mokuba laughed and told Joey he'd get a servant to fetch them some snacks. Even though Joey knew it was Mokuba in there, it was like hearing Kaiba laugh in a non-maniacal manner. Strange; pleasant, but strange.

"I guess I should give you the tour, huh? Would you like to see my room? Maybe the game room? It's really cool!" Mokuba was eager and almost bouncing up and down.

Joey figured that Mokuba probably didn't get many opportunities to show off his home. He agreed following after Mokuba and tried not to get too distracted with thoughts of how awesome it would be to slide down the huge stair banisters. Mokuba's room was rather messy with lots of electronic gadgets strewn about; he had some Duel Monsters and promotional Kaiba Corp. posters up on the walls. There were also a few news articles taped up, they were mostly concerning his family's company or Kaiba's accomplishments. He was pleasantly surprised to see an article about the winners of Battle City which had a great picture of Joey with Yugi and the others. Joey had that same clip on his fridge. Mokuba was rambling on about his various possessions with Joey interjecting, "That's cool," every now and again.

They moved on to several other rooms, Joey's envy increasing each time. Mokuba was a bit smug about it, but Joey reminded himself amusingly that the tyke was a Kaiba after all whether or not he was possessing his brother's form. As they were strolling down the second-floor hallway, Joey zeroed in on one particular door. He halted and Mokuba turned around to send him a puzzled look. Joey pointed at the door questioningly. Mokuba shook his head vigorously. The blond teen understood instantly and assumed a mischievous grin. Before his tour guide could protest, Joey strode over to the door and opened it.

Mokuba was completely panicked, "Joey! Seto will kill me!"

Joey ignored Mokuba's plea for his life and took in the room. There was a large bed, a matching chair and desk with only a photo frame atop it, a couple full bookcases, and a huge piece of artwork of a Blue Eyes White Dragon. Whereas Mokuba's room felt lived in and warm, this room was clinically clean and cold, Joey figured it was probably safe to perform surgery in there.

"His bed is gi-normous," he smiled at the teen—er, really a preteen, next to him, "in fact it's the perfect size if two people wanted ta use it as say a trampoline."

Mokuba's eyes widened, intrigued by the idea, but horrified by the consequences.

* * *

The butler almost had a heart-attack when he entered Master Kaiba's private chambers and saw said master and a friend wildly jumping on his bed, giggling madly.

"M-master Kaiba," the butler clutched at his chest until the feeling of tightness passed, "I brought the snacks you requested."

"Gee, thanks Mario! You look awful, why don't you go sit down for a while?"

The butler nodded and set down the tray of treats on the desk, "Yes. I think I'll go do that."

Joey hoped off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud and rushed over to the desk, "What a sweet spread, Mokuba!" He immediately began stuffing his craw with everything he could get his hands on. Mokuba joined in.

Several minutes later, the butler had somewhat recovered from his shock and reentered, "Master Kaiba, Master Mokuba has requested that you join him in your study."

"Huh?" Mokuba said through a mouth of Fig Newtons, "Oh, you mean me. I'll be down." With that Mokuba excused himself and Joey continued to eat all the food he could find. In the pile of snacks he saw a telltale orange chip bag. He instantly became excited and grabbed it. Much to his disappointment it was a knock-off brand called Cheesy Puffs, Joey felt like weeping. Sure it was cool to kick around Casa Kaiba and everything, but he remembered why he had even bothered to leave his rundown shack at all today: his love for Cheetos, not some damn generic replacement called Cheesy Puffs. Kaiba was richer than King Solomon and he bought Cheesy Puffs instead of Cheetos, Joey couldn't believe that penny pinching miser! A champion of misdirecting anger, Joey decided he needed to give Kaiba a piece of his mind on the subject and stormed out of the CEO's bedroom and straight to the study.

Joey swung the study door open, Cheesy Puffs bag in hand ready to be waved in the rich boy's face. The Kaiba brothers were standing at the device at the far wall and turned around simultaneously at hearing Joey stomp his way in. The blond opened his mouth when the machine made a loud noise and a huge jolt of electricity shot out of the Tesla coil. There was a flash of light and Joey suddenly felt like he'd been punched in the stomach and then fell to the ground.

To be continued...

**A/N**: Personally, I blame the Cheesy Puffs for the cliffhanger.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews/favs! I totally spaced and thought I'd posted this chapter last week. Haha, I'm awesome like that. NOT.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or any brand names you encounter, all I gain is inappropriate amusement from putting these characters in awkward situations.

* * *

Joey came to with some aches and pains, his whole being felt heavy and his ears were buzzing. He suspected there was going to be some massive bruising later on. Mokuba's body woke up several feet away from him, looking how Joey felt. The boy winced as he touched his forehead.

Joey's voice came out thick and a bit raspy, "Mokuba? You okay?"

The boy's face lit up, "I'm me again! Alright!" He got to his feet and rushed over to Joey for a breath stealing hug, "You did it, Seto!"

"I beg to differ, Mokuba," a suspiciously familiar voice grumbled. Joey turned towards the direction of the speaker to see—

Himself. Sitting with crossed legs and arms folded over his chest, a bag of Cheesy Puffs lay to his right. Joey noted that he was giving himself one hell of a nasty glare.

"What da fuck is goin' on?!"

Joey's other self scoffed, "I can't believe you haven't figured it out. Also, one: don't curse around my brother and two: would you not speak with that repulsive accent while you're inhabiting my body?"

"Inhabiting your…" Joey could barely process the new information, Mokuba pulled away from him with an anxious look. Joey tilted his head down to see a tight black shirt, matching pants, and most horrifying of all a sleeveless white trench coat, "Holy shit I'm you!"

Kaiba, in Joey's body, was ticked and his voice rose steadily in volume as he spoke, "Did you hear anything I just said? Yes, moron, in your absolute brainlessness you managed to screw up my experiment and thankfully Mokuba is back to normal. But now you and I have switched physical beings and guess _what_, Mongrel? The only thing keeping me from viciously murdering you right now is the fact that I would be stuck in this degrading, filthy form for the rest of my miserable life if I did!"

It was strange to hear his voice speaking sans a Brooklyn accent and with Kaiba's mannerisms, "Oh yeah, pal? I ain't too happy 'bout this neither. You think I wanna be a snobby, ass-faced bastard who dresses like a weirdo?! Why don't ya hurry up an' switch us back already!"

Kaiba growled and gestured behind Joey, "If you turned your empty head around, you would clearly see that my machine is broken again. Maybe even beyond repair."

"Say what?" Joey twisted Kaiba's long torso around to observe the contraption. Antennae were hanging off, the screen was scrambled, and smoke was rising from various areas, "Well…damn."

"Oh no, Seto! Are you guys going to be stuck like this forever?" Mokuba went over to Kaiba and put an anxious hand on his shoulder.

Kaiba put a hand atop Mokuba's, "Don't worry, little brother. I won't let that happen," he shot a glare at Joey who stuck his tongue out in response, Kaiba looked displeased by the action, "the sooner that moron is done defiling my body, the better. However, I've been working on this machine nonstop since last night and as much as I hate it, I have to take a break. I need to be refreshed before I tackle this problem again."

Kaiba picked himself off the ground and watched Joey harshly, he was still sitting and studying Kaiba's hands which were now his own, "I am not leaving you alone in here," Kaiba stated passive-aggressively.

Joey didn't take the hint, "Man, you must use helluva lotta moisturizer. Do you get manicures or somethin' for these nails?"

"Wheeler, we are leaving my study."

Mokuba grabbed Joey by the arm and started pulling him up, "Come on, Joey. Seto's pretty upset." Joey nodded and stood up. Whoa. How did Mokuba get all the way down there? Joey felt like a skyscraper. Luckily, the young boy was tugging on his arm to keep him walking while enraptured with new sensations. The door shut behind Joey and Mokuba let go of his arm. Kaiba told his brother to inform the staff that a "friend" (said venomously) was staying over for a while. The munchkin happily complied, delighted to have a reason to evacuate the awkward situation, but reminded his brother not to kill Joey while he was still in his body. Naturally, he had also told his brother not to kill Joey period, but Kaiba was more ambiguous in his answer to that request. Once Mokuba had left Kaiba walked to the staircase and demanded that Joey follow him. Joey stuck out his foot and took a huge stride forward—only to be jerked back. His eyes were wide in surprise; he tried moving forward again frantically, struggling in vain against an invisible force.

Kaiba watched him and made a 'tsk' sound. He walked over to the frenzied teen inhabiting his body, trying to pull himself forward with all his weight, and opened the study door. Joey nearly fell on his face, but caught himself with his—Kaiba's—hands. He looked behind him, Kaiba was shaking his head. He told the other that the trench coat had gotten stuck in the door and called him an idiot again for good measure. For a moment, Joey blushed and then none too gracefully got to his feet.

"Yeah, well, if your damn train wasn't so long I wouldn't be havin' problems!"

Kaiba's eyebrow twitched, "Don't compare my coat to a wedding dress, Mutt. That thing probably cost more than your rent for a year. We're going upstairs now; try not to break every bone in my body."

Joey glared after him, but reluctantly followed. He took his first step up the stairs and almost fell on his face again. He regained his balance in time and decided to hold on to the banister for now. Much to his chagrin, he noticed Kaiba was having NO problems adjusting to his body. Of course, Joey's form was probably a big step up from Mokuba's. They walked silently all the way to Kaiba's bedroom. Joey gulped as the other opened the door, remembering the state he and Mokuba had left it in. Kaiba stood in the doorway and stared at the food scattered all over the floor and his desk, the bed comforter was also suspiciously lumpy looking. He glared at Joey over his shoulder, but chose not to say anything as the other teen followed in after him.

Kaiba eyed a half finished box of Fig Newtons and bent down to pick it up, but stopped halfway when his, was Joey's, arm was near his face. Kaiba sniffed the green shirt sleeve and made a disgusted expression, "Wheeler, why does this shirt smell like it hasn't been washed in a month?"

"Probably 'cause it hasn't. Dat's my night shirt, Dude."

"Don't call me, 'Dude.' You sleep in _this_? And you were outside? What, do you just fall asleep in whatever you're wearing?"

"Hey, look, I was just goin' to the grocery store so I put on some pants. I wasn't plannin' on arrivin' at the Goddamn Kaiba Palace where there is apparently a dress code."

"I suppose I should be thankful that you didn't wander outside in your underwear. But you still need to get your hygiene in order. When is the last time you took a shower?"

"Hey! It's just the shirt dat smells, it's always been like dat. An' my personal habits ain't none of ya business."

"I beg to differ. I don't know how long we'll be stuck like this, so we're going to have to be responsible for each other's bodies. You better take damn good care of me, Mutt. I have a public image to uphold. Now are there any allergies I should know about? Medication, like say for Rabies?"

Joey frowned, "Shut up," he ran a hand through his hair…which was a lot thinner and brunet-er than he was used to, "I got an image too, ya bastard."

"God forbid I ruin the illusion that you shop at Goodwill and sleep in a dumpster. And quit messing up my hair!"

Out of spite for Kaiba's comment, Joey defiantly ruffled the brunet mop to hell with both hands. Kaiba cursed at him.

"Now I look completely deranged! What is the matter with you?!" Kaiba suddenly noticed something, "What the hell happened to my belts?"

Joey observed his new long arms, Kaiba was frigging skinny. He remembered very clearly his conversation with Mokuba and suddenly agreed with the kid about Kaiba's uncomfortable wardrobe choice. Those damn metal things were digging into his wrists and that blasted trench coat; for however long Kaiba had been wearing it, Joey had hated it. Mainly because it came to represent the guy who antagonized him at every turn, but at the moment because it was getting snagged on every pointy things in the vicinity and what were those shoulder pads stuffed with anyway?

"How do ya get these bracelets off? They cuttin' off my circulation, got no idea how you stand 'em."

Kaiba was exasperated, "Would you quit with the ADD routine already? _Quid pro quo_, Mutt, tell me what happened to my belts and I'll help you get the **cuffs** off."

"Uh, they're in the limo. Mokuba didn't like 'em, to be honest it's almost like ya try to wear the most uncomfortable stuff you can find. Now how do these come off?"

The other teen grabbed the wrist that had once been his own and pushed two of the bumps on the cuff down, there was a click and a seam appeared. Joey looked down on his old head as Kaiba removed the offending items. He had no idea the top of his hair looked so messy, maybe he should brush it more than once a week…nah. Girls liked the rough and tumble look. Of course now he had an entirely different look going, well girls liked rich, cold-hearted, vaguely metrosexual bastards too he reassured himself. Joey rubbed his freed wrists and thanked Kaiba. Then he slipped off the stiff trench coat, that guy used so much starch he must have been in the military or something.

"What are you doing?" the other asked incredulously as Joey tossed the coat onto the bed, "I took the cuffs off for you! Don't treat my possessions like the trash you left on my floor!" The voice Kaiba spoke with gave Joey's characteristic aggravated crack; he recognized it even without the accent.

"Eh, sorry 'bout dat. I figured a maid would clean it or somethin'. Anyway it was botherin' me; I can't believe you wear dat crap at home. I'd slip into somethin' more comfy if I wasn't goin' out."

Kaiba grumbled, not really listening and gingerly picked up his discarded coat. In a manner that creeped Joey out, he stroked it a few times. He stopped and stared at the bed and then turned to the other.

"I assume you were in here with Mokuba and that you caused all this damage?"

"Yeah. Look it was all my idea, don't get mad at him, he's a good kid."

"So…what exactly were you two doing on my bed to," he cleared his throat, "make it look like this?"

Joey giggled impishly, "We had so much fun, your bed's so big we just had to try it out! Nearly gave dat butler a heart attack though."

Kaiba looked alarmed, his expression then darkened, "I swear Wheeler, if you took advantage—"

It clicked for Joey, "Jesus H. Christ, Kaiba! Get a hold of yourself, I'm not some pedophile. We was just jumpin' on it. Getcha mind outta the gutter."

Kaiba stuck his nose in the air, "I'm hardly a pervert, I'm just protective, Mokuba is very naïve. And who knows how you would bend the situation to your benefit."

Joey rolled his eyes and over gestured as he spoke in a high pitch, "Oooh Kaiba, you're sooo sexy I can't help myself!" Joey suddenly deepened his voice and stood rigidly, "Yes, well I am pretty hot shit if I must say. Nobody can resist me and my incredibly tight pants!"

"Cut that out! My pants are not that tight, they're tailored for the perfect fit. Don't act like that when you're in my body," Kaiba facepalmed, "the sooner I fix that machine the better. I don't need you prancing around and acting like an infant while you're like that." Kaiba went over to the walk-in closet and grabbed an empty hanger for his coat. Much to his dismay Joey followed in after him, surveying the various garments. The closet was the same size as his room at the apartment. The owner of the closet was beyond annoyed, "Can't you entertain yourself elsewhere instead of invading my private life?"

"Hey now! These are _my_ clothes after all," Joey began to leaf through some hanging shirts, "I was thinkin' I might wanna change at some point. Here, let me help you wit dat." Joey took the coat Kaiba had been struggling, standing on his tip-toes to hang up. He hung it on the high pole, easy as that. Kaiba crossed his arms and frowned at him, appearing more like he was pouting instead of acting menacing. The other couldn't help but laugh at the sight, no wonder Kaiba never took him seriously! It was a bit disappointing to find out that he wasn't nearly as intimidating as he thought, but Joey had a good sense of humor about these things. As long as it wasn't Kaiba pointing them out. Said individual was still scowling at him as he picked out a few clothes that didn't look too horribly snug. He mulled over two blue dress shirts; they were exactly the same except one had darker buttons, he decided to pull both.

"Hurry up, Idiot. We're not here to play fashion show." Joey brushed off the comment. It was much easier now that Kaiba was considerably less threatening. He was starting to suspect that he knew it too; the amount of lip Joey had been giving Kaiba up to this point should have garnered him at least some level of physical intimidation and violent insults. Kaiba hadn't even tried to throw him out yet and despite plenty of loud complaining he was mostly allowing Joey to do whatever he wanted. So this was what it was like to have the upper-hand. He smirked, betting he looked a lot like how he was used to seeing his rival. Now utterly amused by the situation, Joey demanded in a gruff tone that Kaiba show him where the bathroom was.

Kaiba obviously did not like that. He shot Joey a poisonous look, but he was no longer affected. Joey shrugged, said he'd just find it himself, and left the closet carrying a huge load of clothes. He found the bathroom pretty easily; it was the only door besides the main and closet ones after all. Joey was about to walk in when Kaiba gave him a stern warning.

"You watch it. I don't want you thinking you have free reign just because you're temporarily in my body," Joey was about to snootily ask Kaiba what he was going to do about it, but he interrupted him, "I have no reservations to doing tenfold worse to your body if I find out you've been up to something. I've heard that face tattoos are all the rage," Kaiba added deviously, having found some leverage.

That got Joey, he whipped around, "You do dat and I'll run naked through the streets screaming!"

"I'll shave your head."

"I'll give all ya money away!"

"Well, I'll go to Yugi and declare your undying love for him."

Joey fumed, "Do dat and I'll call a press conference an' declare your undying love for Pegasus!"

Kaiba looked ready to have an aneurism, "If you even think of doing that I'll have both your legs amputated off!"

"No way! I'll put on a dress an' promote the janitor to CEO!"

"I'll whore your body out to strangers!"

"You wouldn't dare! I'll whore ya out to Siegfried first!"

Kaiba opened and closed his mouth. He took a deep breath, "This is childish. Just go and change."

Joey gladly stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. He dumped the clothes on the floor with a huff. He removed Kaiba's necklace and peeled off the black turtleneck. He tossed it onto the ground and grabbed one of the blue dress shirts, but suddenly caught his reflection. For some reason seeing Seto Kaiba stare back at him from the mirror crystallized things for Joey. This was just extremely weird. He noticed Kaiba while svelte had some muscle. Joey flexed the bare arm, 'not bad,' he thought, 'not bad, Kaiba, it's a shame you hide it under all those ugly trench coats,' Joey stopped himself. He flushed a little, which made things even weirder. Was he getting a little turned on by the body he was inhabiting? Talk about narcissism! It was one thing when he was all 5'8" of Joey Wheeler, but quite another when he was the object of attraction. Joey suddenly looked down at his belt, staring at the huge buckle with the KC logo. The Kaiba in the mirror suddenly did a good impression of a ripe tomato. He slowly reached for the belt, but grew redder with each inch the hands moved. Pulling them back, Joey continued to stare down and considered his dilemma.

Having made such a big deal about Kaiba's fashion choice, it would just seem strange if he left the pants on not to mention they were too clingy for Joey's taste. Part of his brain made a lewd comment about the visual appeal of the pants, but Joey did his best to ignore it. Stupid hormones, they weren't even his own and now they were bothering him too much to change. After some consideration, he came to a decision: he would close his eyes while he changed the pants. That way he wouldn't violate Kaiba's privacy, (or more truthfully not embarrass himself to death,) but he had no idea how he was going to get around it if he needed to use the toilet in the future, hopefully they would switch back before that happened. Joey delayed the inevitable by buttoning up the shirt, removing the boots and leg belts, and picking out which pants to wear, but eventually he had to face the music. He pulled off the belt as quickly as possible. Taking a deep breath Joey squeezed his eyes shut and began unzipping and sliding the garment off. He could feel the heat radiating off his face as he felt the cool air brush his long legs, he could tell Kaiba wore briefs. Joey groped for the designer jeans on the sink counter and concentrated on keeping his balance while putting them on.

He almost toppled over when there was a loud banging on the door, "What the hell are you doing in there? Stop screwing around and hurry it up, Moron."

Joey finished dressing himself and tried to shake off his blush. He looked at Kaiba's reflected face and starting contorting it into goofy expressions. He stuck his tongue out, crossed his eyes, and ruffled the hair to make it stick up. That helped, he began to titter at the expressions he never thought he'd see Kaiba's face make in a million years. He stroked his jaw and noticed the stubble was becoming more pronounced, looking around for a razor he decided to do the stuck-up bastard a favor.

* * *

Upon Joey's sudden emergence from the bathroom, Kaiba quickly dropped the box of Fig Newtons he'd been holding and tried to look nonchalant as he swallowed a mouthful. Joey walked towards him as he spoke.

"Now that you're finished I trust you—ugh!" Kaiba cringed and covered his nose, "is that my aftershave? Did you use the whole bottle?"

"No," Joey said defensively and stood arms akimbo, "you should be grateful I'm keepin' to ya crazy high level of personal hygiene." Kaiba observed the bitter teenager; his hair was tangled, shirt untucked, and sleeves rolled unevenly up the arms.

"Yes, you're doing a _marvelous_ job. Now, can you find your way to Mokuba's room? I need to rest before I work on my machine again."

Joey said he probably could find his way. Kaiba nodded and ushered him out of the bedroom. He told the other young man not to bother him for several hours and shut the door, leaving Joey in the hallway. Honestly, Joey only vaguely remembered how to get to Mokuba's room, but decided that wandering around might be kind of fun like an adventure. As he walked around he was disappointed to find that most of the doors were locked except for a bathroom or two. One door he opened turned out to be the game room Mokuba had showed him earlier and it was just his luck that the raven-haired boy was already in there playing on a PS3.

Mokuba was delighted to see Joey, (still breathing,) even if he thought it was his brother at first. They both entertained themselves by playing against each other and then watching an episode of the Avatar marathon. Joey then suddenly remembered that he never bought his Cheetos and he had left the Cheesy Puffs in the study. Mokuba noticed that the sun was starting to set and told Joey he should probably give his dad a call if he was going to stay over. Joey agreed, but decided he would just send a text since he didn't want to explain why Seto Kaiba was calling his dad to let him know his hated rival was spending the evening at his mansion, ("No Pop, it's really me! I'm in Kaiba's body!" "Hahaha, right. Maybe you could loan me a couple million bucks while you're in there! Hahaha!") Joey unfortunately had become dependent on his cell's speed dial and could not remember his father's number without his phone which would have been in his old body's jeans. Mokuba offered to fetch the Cheesy Puffs if Joey retrieved his cell. In retrospect Joey realized he'd gotten the raw end of the deal.

* * *

Joey creaked open the door to Kaiba's bedroom and peeked in. The lights were off and the curtain drawn. Kaiba was sprawled on his stomach on top of the sheets, soundly asleep. His head was turned away from Joey who tip-toed across the room. Kaiba was still completely dressed much to Joey's displeasure; he was hoping Kaiba would at least take off his jeans to make the situation less awkward. On the positive side, he was sleeping in Joey's full outfit although he'd criticized him earlier for it, so Joey could rub his face in it once he woke up. He stepped lightly towards the bed, there was a loud crunch as his foot came down on a bag of Doritos, cool ranch flavor. Kaiba didn't stir so Joey continued on cautious of any snack debris underfoot. Finally he loomed over the slumbering figure, Joey noticed that Kaiba didn't drool in his sleep like he did; that seemed strange, for some reason he thought sleeping habits would be attached to the body. Tristan and Yugi had told the teenager after many sleepovers together that Joey was a very 'active' sleeper. He rolled around, snored, talked, and once even sleepwalked all the way to the kitchen, had a turkey sandwich, brushed his teeth, and returned to bed without waking. But there were conflicting reports on that event, Yugi insisted that he had also flossed and Tristan said that it was a ham sandwich.

Nevertheless, it was evident that Kaiba was a very peaceful sleeper. 'Probably has visions of stocks and corporate takeovers dancing in his head,' Joey thought wryly. Slowly, Joey reached towards the back pocket closest to him; he could barely see the outline of his phone. The young duelist, now in the body of a billionaire genius tycoon with a nasty attitude, lightly slid the long, pale hand he now possessed into the pocket. His fingers touched the phone and he pushed his hand in a little farther…

Suddenly Kaiba's eyes snapped open and he twisted his head over his shoulder to see Joey frozen, hand completely submerged in Kaiba's back jean pocket.

"Uh," Joey's voice was thick so he swallowed and then forced a smile, "r-rise and sh-shine?"

To be continued...

**A/N**: Why is messing with Kaiba so much fun? IT SHOULD BE A SIN, I ENJOY IT SO.


	3. Chapter 3

Haha, I got distracted again and meant to post this forever ago. Things get busy around the holidays, what can I say? Thanks for the reviews/favs, it's greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy this long and somewhat pointless chapter, I know I did! XD

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any product names or songs referenced. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but one day I might if I can avoid being distracted just long enough to complete my master inventi—I wonder why my hands are all glittery? Must be that soap I used.

* * *

"Wheeler, is there a reason you're groping my ass? Or more accurately your ass?"

Joey blushed and jerked his hand out of the pocket, holding his cell. He tried and failed to appear composed and showed the prize to Kaiba. He raised an eyebrow, "Why didn't you just wake me up, Idiot, instead of molesting me?"

"I didn't molest you!" he was indignant, "I just didn't want to wake you 'cause you needed rest an' I needed my phone. Like I would molest _myself_ anyways!"

Kaiba just smirked, more amused over the situation than upset, "How would I know your kinks, Wheeler? As it is, you have your phone, is there anything else you need that is on my person?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so."

"Good. Now leave."

Joey was only too happy to comply; he dashed out the door and disregarded the quiet chuckles he heard back in the room. He was embarrassed as hell. That had been the stupidest thing he'd done all day! Even stupider than screwing up Kaiba's experiment, no wait…leaving the apartment this afternoon had been the most moronic thing he'd done today. Actually if he thought about it, it was Tristan's fault for eating all the Cheetos in the first place. Damn, was he ever going to beat the hell out of that guy come Monday morning. He half hoped he'd still be Kaiba, that way he could inflict more damage.

It suddenly occurred to him to send a text to his father. Being a typical teenager, Joey was fully capable of texting and fleeing at the same time. Kaiba's thin, precise fingers actually made it easier to hit the buttons. Sadly for Joey, he was yet to master the art of texting, walking, and not running into things. Just as he had written, "Staying w/frnd 2nite" Joey slammed into a maid carrying a load of clean laundry. He found himself sprawled on the ground covered in white towels, cell still in hand so he hit the "send" button.

"Oh my God, Mr. Kaiba! I'm so sorry!" the middle aged woman sputtered, snatching the towels off her presumed employer. Joey took pity on her since she looked ready to shatter from the anticipated reprimand.

"Nah, ain't a prob. I ran into you anyway. I shoulda looked where I was goin', but ya know, a guy's gotta text!"

That was the wrong thing to say, the maid halted in her motions and gave Joey a look that read along the lines of, 'are you ill and why do you have a Brooklyn accent?'

"I mean," he cleared his throat and tried to imitate Kaiba halfheartedly, "be more careful next time or else. Or else I'll be upset…probably. I have a crappy personality, so dat's what'll happen. Go and do what ya do, Lady."

The maid nodded, snatched up the rest of the towels, and sped away from her employer. Damn teenagers, if they weren't playing video games then they were all on drugs nowadays. Joey picked himself off the ground and headed back towards the game room, only he had no idea where he was. Perhaps running aimlessly through a giant house he'd only been in for a few hours was a poor plan. Of course that would mean that Joey actually planned something. At least he had his phone if he got too lost; naturally it would have been more helpful if he had Mokuba's number. Since he'd run into a servant already, he figured there had to be more about if he went too far astray. Sure, it would ruin the illusion that he was "Master" Kaiba if he was asking for directions in his own home, but he decided to fake a head injury or something if suspicions arose. Joey was hoping that Kaiba was intimidating enough and paid his staff enough that they wouldn't ask too many questions.

Suddenly his cell rang, without thinking Joey answered it.

"Hey Joey!"

"Heyya Yugi! What's up?"

"I just—Kaiba is that you?"

"What? Uh….NO! NO! It's me, Joseph Henry Wheeler, born January 25th, I'm just uh…sick so my voice is jacked up. Yeah."

"Oh, sorry to hear that, you seemed fine last night. Did you know you sound just like Kaiba when you're sick? I was being silly I guess, why would Kaiba answer your phone anyway?" He laughed nervously. Joey thanked God that his best friend was so gullible.

"Haha, yeah Yug', like dat would ever happen! Whatcha callin' for?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out tonight, but if you're not feeling well, we'll just have to catch each other another day. We just hung out yesterday anyway. Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to check in on you later?"

"Don't bother, Yugi. I mean, I don't want you ta catch what I got. I don't know how long I'll be 'sick' so uh, I'll give ya a call when I feel better. And sound less like dat bastard Kaiba."

"Yeah, it's kind of creepy actually. I mean you always do a killer Kaiba impression, but now it's just freaky. I'll talk to you later, Joey, get well soon."

"Sure thing, Bud," they hung up, Joey felt a moment of deep affection for his thoughtful, although naïve friend. That sentimental reflection evaporated quickly when Joey remembered that he was still lost and had almost blown his cover twice. He wasn't very good at this 'pretending to be Kaiba' thing. He wasn't sure why he was even promoting this charade. Any repercussions from Kaiba in his current form were not threatening, as much as it begrudged Joey to admit it. Of course whenever Kaiba decided to end his beauty sleep and fix the machine, they would switch back and then maybe Joey would get his if he stepped out of line. He swallowed a lump in his throat; Kaiba was a person who could dish out punishments. The image of his old handsome mug with a tattoo on it suddenly surfaced in Joey's mind. He fully believed that Kaiba would follow through with his warning if Joey did something he didn't like; he'd probably have something like the phrase, "Kaiba is awesome," or, "I'm a loser dog," inked into Joey's forehead without hesitation. Or even more horrifying, give him the exact face tattoo that Odeon dude had. Joey shuddered as under no circumstances did he want to be tat twinsies with Odeon; no way Kaiba would be _that_ cruel he hoped.

Joey cursed the bastard and his infernal body/brain swapping thingamajig. He began to wonder again why Kaiba would even build such a contraption. Was he planning on switching minds with someone specific? Maybe he meant to use it on Joey and a dog, just to get his ultimate, 'You're a puppy and I'm your master, BWHAHA!' high. Or perhaps he wanted to swap bodies with Yugi and then make him lose a game of Strip Duel Monsters, which was actually a fun twist on an old favorite, but no good if it was nationally broadcast like Kaiba would no doubt make it to humiliate his rival. Joey had lost that game privately about a million times, it was how his friends knew about his Kuriboh boxers. Joey was grateful that he'd stopped wearing those after that incident; he didn't need Kaiba's taunts to top off his friends' constant heckling. Maybe Kaiba had designed the machine for Kaiba Corp. use, although he probably would have built it at work rather than at home if that was the case. No matter what scenario he speculated, Kaiba could only have nefarious intentions from Joey's perspective. It was his nature.

Stopping his introspective conversation, Joey looked around the hall. If he thought he was lost before, now he didn't recognize anything. Since he'd been distracted while wandering he had no idea how to retrace his steps, Joey cursed the architect for designing the mansion like a damn labyrinth. He was half expecting David Bowie in bad eye makeup and tight pants to jump out at him. Admittedly he'd seen that movie quite a few times, but only because it was Serenity's favorite. After watching it with her, Duke had claimed it was his favorite as well which delighted Joey's sister. Tristan had refused to see it after the second time. Crush on Serenity or not, he just couldn't take it anymore. Joey always sat in with Duke and his sister whenever they watched it to make sure no funny business went on. Joey decided maybe he would beat up Duke along with Tristan on Monday.

While he was preoccupied by his thoughts again, the butler came up behind him and cleared his throat. Joey spun around frantically.

"Ack! Jareth I thought I had more time to solve the…oh, it's you."

The butler gave him a strange look, but remained professional, "Master Kaiba, I just wanted to let you know that we have made the preparations for your guest's stay."

"Uh, thanks I guess."

"Are you headed to your office?" the butler's eyes drifted to a door on his right.

"Yes?"

"Excellent, I shall inform your brother, he was worried about you. Unless you need anything, please excuse me."

The butler left before Joey had the presence of mind to ask directions. He looked at the presumed office door, there appeared to be a keypad next to it. He walked up and pressed a random button, hoping it would just open. No such luck.

"Voice authorization required," said a mechanical voice from…somewhere.

"What da hell?"

"Authorization confirmed. Welcome, Seto Kaiba." The door clicked as though something had unlocked it. Joey felt a little awkward, he was unsure if he should thank the voice or not. He decided that was silly and went in.

Joey, who had become a champion gaper at this point, put his skills to use. It was a posh office with antique sort of furniture and best of all plenty of electronic gizmos. There was a flat screen television mounted on the wall, a respectable looking stereo, and a laptop on the large desk at the far end of the room. He walked around, observing various decorations and looking for a remote. He nearly choked when he noticed that he was humming, "Dance, Magic, Dance" and went over to the stereo. Making his best guess he pressed a random button; hey, it had kind of worked before. It came on at nearly full blast. Joey cursed and turned the dial down, why the heck did Kaiba listen to his music so loud? He should have been deaf by now. After a few seconds he concluded that it was opera of some sort and gagged internally, he pressed a button that said, 'radio.' Having messed with it for a while, he found his favorite station which played eighties hits and a few Top 40 songs.

"Hell yeah, 'Karma Chameleon'!" he began to sing way off key, as Boy George had a much higher range than Kaiba, "Karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon, ya come an' goooo, you come an' goooooo!" Joey had fun for a while, just dancing around and singing badly. When the station started to play commercials, he shut if off, plopped down on a couch, and turned on the TV. He found an episode of House and got comfortable by slouching down and throwing a spindly leg over the armrest. Partway through the show, Joey darted his eyes over to the laptop on the desk. Throughout the next half hour, his attentions periodically strayed over to the computer. He knew that if Kaiba found out, he would face certain death or at least certain face tattoo. But if he didn't give in to his curious impulse, the plot might find itself on hiatus. Still, it was a really good episode of House and he hadn't seen it for a while so he didn't remember what the disease was. The couch was really comfortable, too. He decided he'd wait to check out the laptop until the show was over. Once another episode of House started, Joey figured his nosiness could wait one more hour. Unfortunately for him, the author became upset with his laziness and had a mysterious force slap him upside the head. He jolted up from the couch and looked around frantically, there was no one about. Place was probably haunted.

Now on his feet, Joey cautiously traveled over to the large desk. He sat down in the rolling leather office chair and spun around in it a few times. He stopped when he got dizzy and flipped the top of the laptop open. Password protected, of course.

Having no idea and realizing the possibilities were basically infinite; Joey looked at the login screen with exasperation. Just for jollies he typed in, "Mokuba," and hit enter. It worked. Kaiba's desktop with a background of three Blue Eyes White Dragons and various file icons popped up.

"Man, invadin' Kaiba's privacy is a piece of freakin' cake," Joey observed to no one in particular. He looked at the taskbar and clicked on one of the many tabs saved, it was a webpage concerning some science-y crap. Next tab was a spreadsheet with only a date for a name and about a million entries that meant nothing to Joey. The next tab was more interesting, it was Kaiba's personal email inbox. Much to Joey's disappointment, however, there were just a bunch of emails from Mokuba and some forwards Kaiba had sent himself from work. 'Boooring,' thought Joey and rested his head in his hand, elbow resting on the desk as he clicked on the next tab that opened a web browser. Sweet, it was that YouTube video of the cat playing piano. Joey watched it twice and laughed hysterically both times. The next to last tab on the taskbar opened up and revealed a PDF document. It was a couple hundred pages long and Joey skimmed through part of it, it appeared to be instructions possibly for that machine in the study. The final tab was a word document and from what Joey could gather they were notes on the instructions. It might as well have been written in Greek for all Joey could make of it, but he could definitely tell it was Kaiba's planned improvements or adjustments for the brain switching machine. There didn't appear to be a clue as to Kaiba's motivation for building it.

Joey was about to try opening some of the documents on the desktop for further investigation when a mechanical voice spoke.

"Warning, intruder approaching."

Whipping up his head and most likely pulling a muscle in his neck, Joey saw on the TV that House had been replaced with a security camera view of the outside hallway. The screen showed him, well Kaiba as him, walking down the hall systematically trying to open each door and poking his head in. Joey froze when Kaiba stopped in front of the office door. Kaiba hesitated and then tried typing something on the keypad, nothing happened so Kaiba knocked on the door. Joey slapped both hands over his mouth. Kaiba knocked again and waited. He stood there for a minute and then moved to the next door. Joey exhaled loudly; internally he thanked various deities for Kaiba's paranoia that had ironically saved him from getting a shiny, new face tattoo.

* * *

When the security camera showed the "intruder" was safely away, Joey exited the office. That had been too close for comfort. He was certain that Kaiba would come back and find a way to get the door open, regardless of voice recognition. He was also certain that Kaiba's paranoia was starting to rub off on him; maybe it was part of the billionaire's biology. Mainly though Joey had left the office because he needed to pee like mad, he shouldn't have drunk all those sodas with Mokuba. Disappointingly, Kaiba's little office lair didn't have a super secret bathroom attached, so Joey was forced out in search of relief.

It didn't take long to find one; he went in and locked the door behind him. He stood in front of the porcelain throne and braced himself as embarrassing realization of what he was about to do with whose body swept over him. Reasoning that Kaiba would prefer Joey did his business instead of wet his designer pants gave Joey a little encouragement. He then slapped his forehead. Why was he freaking out about this? They were both guys for Christsake and he was sure that Kaiba had absolutely no reservations about utilizing Joey's body…that sounded dirty. Joey slapped himself again for the direction his thoughts had turned, 'I can't think about his body like that while I'm in it—I mean not like that! While my _brain_ is in it. Shit, what is wrong with me!' This internal back and forth continued for quite a while, but with the insistence of his new body's bladder Joey quickly came up with a compromise. He would once again shut his eyes and aim as best he could all while thinking the most unsexy thoughts possible. Thoughts like fluffy kittens playing with yarn, Bandit Keith in a dress, and algebra homework.

* * *

As Joey washed his hands, a gloomy expression darkened his features. He couldn't believe he'd had dirty thoughts about Kaiba especially at such an improper time. It was too weird; he was never attracted to himself while he was normal. Although he may have once or twice or lots of times had fleeting attractions to his brunet rival when he was good ol' Joey Wheeler. He had never thought much of it at the time; he was attracted to Mai as well so he considered it a bizarre anomaly. Also he disliked Kaiba a great deal and he hated Joey's guts. Besides Mai had a convertible, although Kaiba did have a pretty nice limo, but Mai was actually nice to him, however Kaiba was more age appropriate. Joey was walking out the bathroom door when he slapped his forehead again. Why was he even thinking about this? He was as straight as an arrow and his little infatuation with Kaiba was probably the work of overactive hormones at a confusing time in puberty. For the love of Pete, Joey had once gotten aroused during geometry class last year while learning about the Pythagorean Theorem. It was just the way hormones were he assured himself. Stupid Kaiba. Joey walked back into the bathroom.

He glared at his reflection. Waving his hand with a limp wrist in an effeminate gesture, Joey spoke in a high pitched voice, "Oh, Kaiba, Kaiba, Kaiba, Kaiba! I'm sooo amazing, not only can I not get the hell outta Joey's head, now he can't get the hell outta my head, literally! All hail the great and wonderful Master Kaiba!" his voice deepened as he yelled at the offending reflection, "Yeah, up yours, ya bastard!"

"Well, that was unnecessary," said a deadpan voice from the doorway. Joey turned to see himself with his arms crossed tightly and raising an eyebrow. Joey blushed a little and scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

He forced a laugh, "Hahaha, ya saw dat, eh? I was just messin' around, nice to see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Sleeping Beauty."

Kaiba rolled his eyes, "Stop screwing around and follow me and don't get distracted. It already took me forever to find you and I don't have the tolerance for your short attention span at the moment."

As Kaiba walked away Joey flapped his hand like a mouth and mocked Kaiba's last words. Kaiba looked back and sent him a warning shot, Joey forced another nervous laugh. The guy must have been psychic or maybe he could just predict Joey's every move like he was a pawn in Kaiba's chess game of life. Joey grimaced at the thought, if anything he'd at least be a knight or one of the castle-y thingies. No way would he be a pawn for Kaiba. Where was he planning on leading Joey anyway? He was already acting like a pawn by blindly following Kaiba's orders!

"Hey Moneybags, where the hell are ya takin' me?"

"The torture chamber."

"The what?!"

Joey could practically feel Kaiba roll his eyes again, "The dining room you moron, it's dinnertime."

"Whew, scared me for a second."

"But we'll go to the torture chamber for dessert." Joey tripped in surprise and cursed as Kaiba chuckled devilishly, horns practically growing out of his blond head.

* * *

Amazingly, Kaiba was able to lead Joey out of the labyrinth to the dining room in under a minute. Perhaps Kaiba had a map he could lend him? He could at least consider installing some of those layout guides they had in malls with little "you are here" stickers throughout the mansion. The navigator pushed open the French doors to the dining room and once again Joey was struck with awe. A freshly polished, (lemon scented,) table stood in the middle of the large chamber, it had tall golden candlesticks and elaborate floral arrangements decorating its gratuitous length. The dark, wooden walls were covered in oil paintings and what Joey hoped were fake mounted animal heads and antlers. At the end of the room was a fireplace left off in the temperate spring season, an old fashioned musket was prominently displayed above the mantle. A short story Joey had to read once in English class suddenly came to mind…The Most Dangerous Game, that was it. The rest of the mansion had just looked expensive, this room was positively creepy and the dim lighting now partially shadowing the master of the house was not helping. Joey was wondering how a sane person could eat in this room, of course this would imply that Kaiba was of sound mind. He highly doubted that.

Kaiba made a displeased face and walked over to the doorway where Joey stood staring. He flinched when the other reached out a hand, but breathed a sigh of relief when Kaiba flicked a switch on the wall next to him. The room was flooded with light; it still had a high creep factor, but at least he could see Kaiba better. Well, Kaiba as him.

Wait, it was him, but he was different. Joey went wide-eyed at the realization: Kaiba had cleaned him up. He had tucked in Joey's old baseball jersey and put on a belt with a ridiculously big KC logo buckle, his jean legs had been rolled up so they no longer dragged frayed on the ground and now he could actually see his sneakers. Kaiba had also tackled Joey's thick mop, rely on someone as determined as him to actually get Joey's unruly hair to behave. It was the neatest Joey had ever seen his hair; it was even slicked back a little like it had product in it. Altogether, Joey's body kind of looked like it had just stepped out of the 1950's.

"Are you quite done checking yourself out? You seem to have some strange infatuation with your body lately, Mutt. I can't imagine why," the comment was heavy on the rhetorical and the sarcasm.

"Whatever, hey Kaiba what the hell is up wit dis place? You gonna release the hounds an' add me to your trophy wall?"

All Kaiba had to say was, "You wouldn't be a worthwhile addition."

Offended on several levels, Joey was about to loudly demand further explanation when Mokuba bounded in. He greeted Joey cheerfully, "Hi stranger, long time no see," then he whined, "Big brother, do we really have to eat in here? I thought they were done cleaning the other one."

Kaiba ruffled his hair, "Blood stains take time, Mokuba, we'll just have to use this room for a little bit longer." His eyes flitted over to Joey for a second. Mokuba looked at him strangely, but didn't say anything. Things had taken a very bizarre turn in the last few minutes, Joey decided either Kaiba was completely off his rocker or he was trying to weird out Joey on purpose. He wondered to what end; sadistic enjoyment, keeping Joey in line, or maybe he had no idea how bad everything looked to an outsider. All he could figure was that something was up. 'Yeah, he's nuts that's what's up…' Joey thought darkly.

The butler came into the dining room and requested that the gentlemen take a seat for their dinner. He pulled out the ornate chair at the head of the table, Kaiba made his way towards it.

"Ah, excuse me Mr. Wheeler, but I'm afraid this is Master Kaiba's seat."

Kaiba bristled and glared daggers at his manservant; Joey could tell that he was going to get sacked, if not at least given the lecture of a lifetime. The butler seemed like an okay guy just doing his job to Joey, so he tried to catch some slack for him.

"Hey, butler guy, it's cool. Jo—er, Wheeler can sit there for now, I'd rather sit next to Mokuba here tonight."

The butler bowed his head and allowed Kaiba in Joey's body to take the chair. Kaiba plopped down with an indignant, "hmph," while Joey sat next to Mokuba on his right. The mood of the head of the table did not improve even after the first course. Joey figured he wasn't going to get gratitude from the spoiled brat any time soon, Mokuba seemed to take no notice of the behavior as he was probably used to it. The dinner was amazing though, Joey put it on his 'Pros for being stuck in Kaiba's body for eternity' list. It was some kind of brightly colored Indian dish that was super spicy along with a lentil soup, flat-bread, and some round pastry thing soaked in a sweet sauce that reminded him of a wet doughnut hole. The green spinach-like stuff was alright and the tea was a little nasty, but the butler brought him a coke after he complained.

It seemed like the staff was used to Kaiba getting whatever he wanted. Mokuba however, was the picture of graciousness and compassion towards the Kaiba service employees; at least one of them had been taught manners. The servants were taken aback by Joey's politeness and frequent smiles, not to mention his disheveled appearance. Kaiba was still stewing over the butler's slight in his unique way during dessert, with Joey's face it almost looked like he was moping. Joey really wanted to reach over to smack him upside the head and shout, "It's just a stupid chair, ya mook!" But he didn't want to make a scene and further stress everyone out.

As they waited for the servants to take away their dishes, Joey suspiciously eyed a mounted rhino head on the wall. He must have been too hungry to notice it earlier. It seemingly said to him, "How can you chow down with a freakin' dead rhino staring right at you? You sick bastard, I had a family. I would eat dinner with them too if I hadn't been murdered!" But maybe Joey was giving the animal too much of a back story. Mokuba saw Joey's trepidation and leaned over to whisper reassuringly.

"The guy who built this place like a hundred years ago decorated this room. Seto hates it, but there was a leak in the other room and we've got a fan in there drying out the wood floors. We can't eat in there until it's done."

Joey glanced at Kaiba who was staring into space and whispered back, "If he hates it why does he keep it like dis?"

Mokuba paused, "Actually, I have no idea."

"You know I can hear you both."

The two boys sat up straight and grinned sheepishly at the head of the table. His brow was furrowed at them, "Mokuba, could you go tell Mario to make some coffee for me…rather Wheeler. I have a long night ahead."

His brother nodded and scampered out of the room, leaving the two older boys alone. Kaiba got up from his seat, a gloomy storm cloud practically visible above his head, and with his hands behind his back went over to examine one of the paintings. It was of a well-groomed spaniel. Joey grimly realized that Kaiba was probably computing how to connect the painting with a dog insult for him, so he decided he needed to say something before the other could put him down. He took notice once again of how straight-laced his body looked now. The preppy makeover kind of made Joey want to heave.

He walked over to stand beside Kaiba, "Soooo, you seem to be, uh, adjusting well to bein' me."

"Of course I am, if I spazzed out over every minor change like you do I wouldn't get anything done."

Apparently being in a sour mood caused Kaiba to loose the ability to recognize sarcasm, "So…did ya like take a shower or somethin'? I'm just asking 'cause I look pretty, uh, tidy. Freakishly tidy."

"You should be grateful about my tolerance of this beastly form," Kaiba muttered.

Joey gasped, "What, so I'm the Beast?!" Joey began to sing in a key a bit too high for Kaiba's baritone, "Taaale as old as tiiiime, true as it can beee…"

"What the hell are you doing?"

Joey smirked, delighted to have found something that not only amused him, but irritated Kaiba. He deepened his voice to a more comfortable key, "She takes my money when I'm in need…Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke—"

"Stop singing that trash this instant!"

"Get down girl, go ahead get down, eighteen years eighteen years, she's got one of ya kids, she got ya for eighteen years—"

With resolve, Kaiba sang over him in a strained tenor, "_La donna è mobile, qual piuma al vento, muta d'accento e di pensiero…"_

That sounded suspiciously like opera. Joey frowned and belted a mix of Disney and Kanye West since he didn't know all the lyrics to either song. But that only encouraged Kaiba to sing louder, his pronunciation perfect, but his phrasing and pitch were a little off. He was no Pavarotti, but he was managing to drown out Joey.

Switching gears, Joey began to scream with no consideration for musicality, "HAKUNA MATATA WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE!"

"_È SEPRE MISERO CHI A LEI S'AFFIDA, CHI LE CONFIDA MAL CAUTO IL CORE_!"

At some point Mokuba had walked in to see his brother and Joey screaming in each other's faces. He stood there dumbfounded; it was the most intense karaoke battle he'd ever witnessed. They didn't even have a karaoke machine, they were just freestyling it. The strange, angry blend of Disney, hip-hop, and Verdi could be heard throughout the mansion; it was the talk of the Kaiba serving staff for weeks to come. Most would deny one of the voices could have been their boss despite his recent odd behavior; it had to be ghosts or something.

Joey shrieked, "DANCE MAGIC DANCE, JUMP MAGIC--"

"JUMP, PUT THAT BABY SPELL ON ME—dammit."

Both were suddenly silent and exchanged glares that spoke volumes.

Joey's seem to say, 'Ha-ha, I know Kaiba's dirty secret, he loves the Goblin King!'

Kaiba's glare responded with, 'Shut up, Moron. You knew the song too; I bet you watch it all the time.'

Joey narrowed his eyes to tell the other, 'Not because I like it, but because I have to!'

Kaiba smirked, 'A likely story.'

In some ways, Mokuba observed, the silent battle was more intense than the singing/shouting match from moments before. The tense scene was interrupted by an obnoxious ring tone that beeped suspiciously to the tune of "Karma Chameleon." Once again, without thinking, Joey pulled his cell out of his pocket and flipped it open. As he greeted the caller he ignored Kaiba's outraged, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Hey Joey, you still sound sick," greeted a baffled sounding Yugi.

"Oh yeah," Joey faked some coughs for effect, "Sick as a dog, ha-ha, don't tell Kaiba dat."

"So…I don't mean to pry or anything, but if you're still sick, why aren't you at home?"

The phone then promptly dropped out of Joey's hand.

To be continued…

**A/N**: For dinner the boys had chicken korma, lentil daal, naan bread, aloo saag, and gulab jamun for dessert. Yum!

"Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

"Magic Dance" by David Bowie, from Labyrinth

"Beauty and the Beast" and "Hakuna Matata" by Disney (duh)

"Gold-Digger" by Kanye West, feat. Jaime Foxx

"La Donna è Mobile" by Giuseppe Verdi, from Rigoletto


End file.
